Riding the Mobius

The iPhone 3GS

I love my iPhone 3G, but I think I’d love an iPhone 3GS even more. That being said, I’m fully prepared to suck it up and watch everyone who has the 3G either wait out their contracts (as I plan to do), or pay $500 or $600 to get the latest shiny, and after a little background rambling, I’ll tell you why.

When the first iPhone came out, I was filled with a powerful techno-lust that was only kept in check by the exorbitant pricing and my relative poverty. I was forced to “slum it” with a Samsung Blackjack, my first entry into smartphonedom. My mouth practically started to water every time I saw someone gliding their lucky little fingers over their glass-faced, metal-backed beauties, which is an odd reaction, considering that I’m pretty sure an iPhone would be too crunchy for my tastes.

When the iPhone 3G rolled out, I was only a month away from contract renewal eligibility, so I was in good shape. As it turned out, I didn’t get the phone for another two months anyway due to the insane demand for the product, but I’ve loved the phone from the moment that I got it set up.

Despite its obvious and super-irritating flaws and/or omissions, most notably the lack of copy-and-paste and multimedia messaging, a non-user-serviceable battery, and an inadequate battery life, I still consider the iPhone 3G to be the finest all-around phone that I’ve owned yet.

The iPhone 3GS looks like it will address the most glaring of these flaws right out of the box, and adds some other niceties that I wanted, like video recording, data tethering, a better camera, increased capacity, etc. This, of course, means that I want it, and would probably buy it at the subsidized price, remanding my current 3G phone to my fiancée, who would then pay almost twice as much a month in service fees over her current voice-only plan.

Now, in the early days of my adult working life, I worked for AT&T Mobile (and other carriers which it bought out), so I’m familiar with the idea of subsidizing phones. In those days, we’d allow people to re-contract pretty much at any time to take advantage of our specials; you didn’t have to ride out your existing deal in order to enjoy a new promotion. It was easy, it was cool, and it was probably unprofitable.

In case you’re unfamiliar with the concept, that iPhone 3GS I so dearly wish I could get for $299 actually costs AT&T a lot more than $299, but they eat some of that cost so that we, the little people, will be more inclined to buy the phone and lock ourselves into a two-year contract that costs significantly more than a Plain-Jane voice plan. (Remember how I skipped the first generation iPhone? Had the unit cost been more reasonable to me, AT&T could have been charging me for a full voice/data plan for several years by now.)

I don’t fault AT&T for balking at sucking up a few hundred dollars per phone every time Apple decides to release a new hardware iteration that addresses something that should have been included from the start. Business is about making a profit, and subsidizing our purchases every time we get bored with our hardware would leave less money for AT&T to expand and improve the network that actually makes the phones, you know, DO STUFF.

Instead of simply ignoring the issue, I’ll propose that AT&T consider trying some tactics to avoid alienating the legions of iPhone 3G users who are crying foul on the upgrade situation, even though our outrage is mostly based on our own self-interest.

One idea is to allow us to trade in our existing iPhones to qualify for the standard subsidy; investing a few bucks in reconditioning phones that have probably been babied (as mine has) would give AT&T a pool of phones that could be sold at an extreme discount, hooking new users who will need to upgrade to the more expensive voice/data package that the phone requires.

Another idea is to start a “recruit a friend” sort of program. For example, I’d give my fiancée my iPhone 3G if I could get the 3GS at the subsidized price without having to ride out my contract, and I’d even sign a new two-year deal. This, again, would result in my fiancée upping her plan and spending more money each month, and AT&T wouldn’t even have to recondition the phone.

There are, of course, other solutions to consider. Anyone could, theoretically, add a new line to his/her account at the subsidized price, cancel their existing line, and pay the early termination fee, which I believe is a pro-rated $175; this would kill your existing number, but would still likely result in a net gain for the user and increase in dreaded “subscriber churn” for AT&T.

The most reasonable option, I think, is probably just to relax and enjoy the 3G phones that we have. We’re getting the 3.0 upgrade for free, which takes care of the stuff that I care the most about, and I don’t have to shell out hundreds of dollars to get those features. (I can’t believe I’m saying this, and I’ll be aggressively protecting my Nerd Card for the next week or two in case the Nerd Guild enforcers come to reclaim it due to my abject heresy, but there it is…)

One final thought for those of us who have been enjoying 3G iPhones for the past year: let the first-gen iPhoners have this one. They’ve had to watch us gloat about our GPS functionality and better reception while they “suffered” with their metal-backed signal-repulsors, and now they can one-up us until next June, when we’ll undoubtedly be having this discussion again after the fourth-generation iPhone is announced.

Cats are jerks.

I know this, because I have one. Well, to be more accurate, I was harangued into having one by my lovely fiancée, who has always been a fan of cats. Me, I grew up in a dog household, and therefore consider myself to be in the more macho dog camp; that’s not to say that I particularly object to cats, since I love just about any kind of animal, but I have always been put off by the idea of an animal, by custom, taking a big, smelly dump inside my house, designated litter box or not. Like so many other men, I decided that this particular issue wasn’t really a battle that needed pickin’, so I agreed to the cat.

Enter Penny, a prime example of feline eff-you-ishness, who has, since her integration into our family, left me scarred for life, ruined several objects, and caused occasional and assorted havoc at her leisure.

Penny, trying to look innocent.

Cute, right? Don’t be fooled… Behind that adorable, bewhiskered face lies the mind of a serial torturer devoid of any conscience or sympathy. While her crimes are many, I’m only sharing the following because I managed to triumph over her unprovoked malice, and I relish every win life allows me these days. Now, I know you may be thinking, “What kind of idiot has an adversarial relationship with a cat?” Well, all I can say is that if you’re asking the question, you probably haven’t ever lived with a cat.

Soooooo… There I was, at the beginning of May, finally in possession of a few bucks that didn’t necessarily NEED to be spent in any particular way for the first time since Thanksgiving. The urge to treat myself to something at least semi-fun was overpowering, so I decided to go buy a new mouse for my desktop PC, since my aging trackball seemed to be barreling towards its final rest with increasing speed. Being the giant geek/nerd that I am, this passed as fun for me, so I carefully mulled my options.

I considered going with the new Warcraft-branded mouse, but upon checking it out at my local Best Buy, I decided that it was just too damn ugly and clunky. (A bit pricey, too, but like I said, I was treating myself, so that wasn’t really the biggest factor.)

I wound up going with the Razer Lachesis gaming mouse because it fulfilled my main criteria for this purchase: ergonomically sound, functionally superior to what I was using previously, economically feasible, and aesthetically ass-kicking. It’s got a rubberized surface that feels great, a chunky scroll wheel that has just the right amount of travel, and does that cool glowy thingy. Though I would have preferred to spend less money on it, all told, I was happy with the purchase once I got it set up.

Soooooo… There I was, literally three days later, enjoying my new mouse by playing some World of Warcraft. Penny decided to plop herself on the desk in front of me, as cats are wont to do, with her head toward the back of the desk, her butt squarely pointed at me. I absently began to pet her as I played, and before long, I began to notice my mouse behaving erratically. I didn’t think much of it, as Warcraft occasionally lags and/or glitches, and went about my level-grinding business. Within two minutes, I totally lost control, and my mouse, usually pulsing with a bright blue inner light, died on the table.

Penny, being a cat, and as such, genetically predisposed towards douchebaggery, had chewed almost completely through the mouse cord WHILE I WAS PETTING HER! It wasn’t bad enough that she rendered the first toy that I’d bought for myself in six months completely useless, but she had to do it while I was in the act of being nice to her. I can only assume that the wire casing was made by injection-molding ground-up rodent entrails, thereby making it irresistible to cats.

Either that, or Penny is a jerk.

After pushing Penny off the desk with as much self-control as I could muster (which, as an animal lover, wound up being more than one might expect), I called upon my years of geek/nerd training to try to resurrect my poor mouse from the dead.

A little bit more about my geek cred… When I was a boy, I didn’t ask for toys like Transformers or G.I. Joe, but for things like “science kits” from Radio Shack, which usually consisted of a bunch of transistors and simple circuitry, all attached to little springs that the user would wire together based on instructions included with these kits. I don’t think they really make them anymore, but they fueled my techno-lust and helped make me the tech-savvy geek that I am today.

Anyway, I busted out my tool kit and got to work. First, I had to strip the wires and cut out the bad section. This was a little harder than it might sound, since the wires were about as thick as regular spaghetti, and much finer with the coverings stripped off.

The mouse is prepared for reconstructive surgery.

Next, I spliced all five wires back together.

The wires are spliced, and w00t! We have glowage!

Finally, I wrapped all the wires up with electrical tape as neatly as I could, which resulted in a bit of an unsightly bulge, but it’s mostly out of sight under the monitor riser anyway. You can see all the bits that I cut out next to the mouse. Note that it once again glows in all of its mousy glory!

Is that bulge a splice point, or are you just happy to see me?

Unsightly bulge notwithstanding, the mouse is good as new, and the whole process took me about 30 minutes. Most of that time was spent stripping the wires, because despite my geekishness, I’ve never bothered to buy a real wire-stripper.

Following this incident, I gave Penny a stern talking-to, but she just doesn’t seem too interested in learning English, and my Catonese was never very good, so I don’t think she gets it; even if she does understand, she’s not honoring my pleas to stop destroying my stuff. Here she is plotting her next attack:

You can almost see the Wheels of Malice turning in her head...

Shortly after this pic was taken, WHILE I WAS WRITING THIS POST, I caught her gnawing on the mouse wire under the desk… At least she’s trying to be a little bit more Ninja Cat about it.

Jerk.